I make a lot of mistakes. I think a lot of people have a hard time admitting that. I know I do. If it weren't for my mom, I don't think I'd be sitting here right now trying to pull my shit together. I don't think I'd be sitting here at all, to be honest. I forgot the reason I've worked so hard in school for: my mother. Every morning she'd check up on me to make sure I was alright because she knew I'd be up past 4 in the morning struggling to make something of myself. I guess she knew something was up when she realized that she saw me sleeping more than she ever saw me awake. Little did she know that I would sleep for 3 hours, wake up, pull out my homework and just stare at it for a good 7 hours while wallowing in self-pity. As a result, there were none; nothing would ever get done. I figured I had lost the drive to put in work, that I had lost all motivation. And what a shame, considering this is the one year that would determine where I would stand after highschool. There have been many times where I have dug my own grave, and it's always been my mother to steal the shovel. She understands that things haven't been the easiest in the past few years, and she understands how difficult school can be especially when there are so many other issues to deal with. I can't fathom how she does it. How does she manage to stand through it all? How does she manage to take all four of her children's courage and dreams and mold it into what is only known as hope?
Love. Dear Jesus (excuse my blasphemy), the most simplest answer holds the secret to the most complex of questions. My mother loves us so much. I must have a lot to learn if I think of giving up so easily. Perhaps when I'm a mother myself, will I only know the truth behind hard-work, strong will, and hope.
Do you think that if Kurtz had real love, he would have realized his wrong doings before it was too late? Do you think that if Kurtz had real love, it would have saved him from the Darkness? With these questions in mind, surely one would bring up the African mistress and the Intended. Did Kurtz love either one of them? I can't really tell.
If coldness is the absence of heat, darkness is the absence of light, and hatred is the absence of love, is there some kind of interconnection between these relationships? If heat, light, and love can be connected, then shouldn't that mean coldness, darkness, and hatred shared something as well? So if heat = love = light, and coldness = darkness = hatred, couldn't we say that Darkness is the absence of Love?
"The last word he pronounced was--- your name." Surely Marlow did not tell this lie because he knew Kurtz possessed an undying love for his Fiancee; Kurtz had a mistress. No, love was not the reason for this lie--- it was protection.
"... I could not tell her. It would have been too dark--- too dark altogether...."
What Marlow witnessed in the wild, needed to stay in the wild. To my understanding (in a greater sense), I would say the Intended symbolized idealism and morality, and Marlow lied only to protect them from a chaos that had yet to be revealed. If society knew about the potential power and influence of these great evils, would they accept it, nurture it, and revel in it like we already do when it comes to media and money? Would we dive in head first, like Kurtz did, and realize our mistake when it would already be too late?
Now throughout this journal, I have refrained from discussing this almighty truth about Darkness within the wild, imperialism, and ourselves. Truth is, I still don't know what to make of it. I've always understood that evil lurks around every corner, but I never really understood its power. My understanding about Darkness is there are no differences. There are no shades, there is no in between. There just IS. The Darkness that lies in the Congo is the same Darkness that lies in the city. The Darkness that engulfed Kurt and his savage natives is the same Darkness that hides in all civilized men. The only difference between the Darkness in civilization and the Darkness in the wild is its ability to hide.
There is so much evil in this world, and yet, I cannot think of one force that could ever corrupt my mother's love.
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